


Our Responsibility to Tell the Truth

by crooklyn



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Gen, Playing off of Neil Druckmann's take on the ending, Swearing, This is one where Ellie leaves, which I agree with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-03 20:50:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4114546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crooklyn/pseuds/crooklyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why she decides to keep it, she has no idea. But...it helps.</p><p>Ending edited as of 3/20/16</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_May 12_

_So I found this, asked what the hell I should do with it, and Joel said to use it as a journal. To which I said no fucking way. I'm just going to write random shit in it. Maybe a story? I've never tried writing before...I'd want it to be good._

_Goodnight, it's around 11 o'clock._

 

_May 17_

_Joel gets nervous whenever I ask to go off by myself even if it's across town to get tampons, or whatever. He almost acts pissed off, like I'm suggesting these things just to test him. For fuck's sake, I'm fifteen years old._

_There's only about two people my age here and they look at me like I'm infected._

_Wow. Wasn't thinking while I was writing that sentence. It's really easy to forget sometimes. By that I mean it's extremely hard to forget and sometimes I can't sleep at night! :)_

 

_June 2_

_Charlie and Andre are the names of the two boys my age. Charlie lives with Andre and his family. I don't think, or I don't know, if they trust me. They asked me this morning if I wanted to swim with them at the waterfall for a little while, but it was more reluctant than anything. I told them I couldn't swim, and my face turned really fucking red. Fuck, I hate when it does that. Fuck, Ellie!! Just thinking about it makes me want to bang my head against a wall._

 

_June 3_

_Joel's going to teach me how to swim tomorrow. So...looking forward to that._

_June 4_

_Today was really hard and frustrating but guess the fuck what? I can swim. Finally. Joel wants to get me in the water a few more times before I swim with the boys. I'm making progress like a boss._

_I've been thinking of an idea for this story. Don't laugh. Ha, you can't laugh. I think it would be cool to have this insanely kick ass group of girls who've been trained at this insanely cool school since they were like nine or ten. This means that they're amazing in combat and they know a bunch of random shit like how to disarm weapons, navigate in the middle of no where, stuff like that. Their training is interrupted, however, when they get this mission to travel to the jungles of South America and try to find out more about this disease that's been turning everyone's skin ink black and killing them. Cool? No? I guess the only problem is it would take place before everything happened, and I wouldn't know the first thing about that._

_I don't know. Still seems like it'd be fun to write._

_June 9_

_Here's my routine:_

_Wake up, usually around 9._  
_Eat breakfast with Joel, or if he's gone, Maria and Tommy._  
_Ask Joel thirty times if I can go hunting by myself._  
_Go hunting with Joel._  
_Do something with Charlie and Andre._  
_Read, read, read. Sometimes watch a movie with a few kids._  
_Dinner._  
_Read, write, bed._

_June 15_

_Had a fucking raid a few days ago. Must have been 20 or 30 guys. Where did they come from if we're almost in the middle of nowhere?? Joel got hit pretty bad and I almost had a panic attack. He's fine._

_The past couple days have been busy as hell, repairing damage and everything...the plant got banged up pretty bad and so did the main gate. Fucking people shot at it. I got to be a sniper--for about five minutes, but hey, better than nothing._

_The doctor's a woman named Lily and she just came in to check up on Joel's bullet wound. It hit his arm. She seems pretty worried, but he's doing just fine. I don't know if I should tell her that we've been through much worse._

_June 18_

_I'm so restless. All the time. I don't talk to anybody, except Joel and Maria and maybe Andre. What do I do? Where do I go? I'm lost. I miss my mom. I don't know her and I miss her so much. I've told Joel that something is wrong and he said, and I quote, "it's a normal thing for a teenager."_

_If being a teenager feels this fucking heavy and isolating, I don't know how people do it. I feel broken._

_June 23_

_PRO: Will not worry anyone anymore_

_CON: Joel will come after me_

_PRO: Cure_

_CON: Maybe will hurt a lot_

_PRO: Peace of mind_

_CON: Joel???_

_June 29_

_If there is a god, please let no one find this journal. Fuck, not a journal. Not a journal!_

_July 2_

_The doctor gave me a book on Greek mythology. It's called "Heroes, Gods, and Monsters of the Greek Myths" by Bernard Evslin. I've already read it twice in three hours. Let me just say that Artemis is the fucking boss, man. Joel saw me reading it last night and asked if he could look at it. He said he remembered reading about these stories in high school English class._

_I would give my right arm (that's the one with the bite, so it's not like I'm making it up) to listen in on an English class. He says I'd love the Iliad--lots of blood and gore and a nice little love story. I asked him why he thinks I'd care about a love story, and he said "that's what kids your age think about." He looked fucking sad and I didn't really know what to think about it._

_July 4_

_Just found out that the 4th of July used to be a national holiday where people barbecued and lit fireworks to celebrate their independence. I can't remember what country we won our independence from, but they seem like a bunch of dicks. I also just found out that the "colonists" murdered millions of Native Americans. There was millions of people, but now there's significantly less. Probably less than less, because of the outbreak._

_Man. I knew that this wasn't most people's ancestral land, but they didn't teach us the murdering part in the Boston QZ. We were a bunch of dicks, too._

_July 6_

_Persephone's story was the saddest._


	2. Chapter 2

_July 16_

_I think about her a lot._

_I almost lost her pendent earlier today. Joel kept me from sprinting to the river since there weren't any guards on duty, and he went with me. It's all good, I found it on the bank._

_I caught him looking at me holding it to my chest. He looked like he was about to say something, but he didn't. As per fucking usual. <-I don't mean to sound vindicative, or anything. It's been a rough couple of days and I can't sleep._

_July 18_

_When Joel looks at me, everything is right and everything is wrong. I know I've written this before, but I don't know what to do._

_This sounds cheesy in my head and I bet it will on paper. He's all I got. The one thing I'm terrified of more than anything is something happening to him, because he doesn't deserve it. No one does. I want him to survive this world and die when he's supposed to. Fuck, that's what I want for everyone._

_That can't happen unless I do something about it._

_July 25_

[drawing of Artemis] _Terrible._

[drawing of Persephone and Hades] _Better. Maybe._

[drawing of Zeus with a big dick] _Sorry. He does fuck everybody, though._

_July 27_

_Rick got my walkman working. HE GOT IT WORKING! I'm listening to it right now. How fucking cool is that? Listening to it isn't as hard as I thought it would be. It's not hard at all. I'm gonna ask Joel if he wants to listen to it for a while._

_(He doesn't.)_

_July 28_

_"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."_  
_-Dr. Daniela Star, Savage Starlight_

_This is the only quote I've ever had memorized. To be fair, I don't really know a lot of quotes. Puns don't count._

_August 3_

_I'm going to tell Joel tonight. I'm shaking._

_~~Hey Joel, can I talk to you?~~  can we talk for a second? ~~This is going to be really hard to say, but I gotta say it, or else I might spontaneously combust~~  This is really hard to say and I don't want you to freak out or anything. I ~~think I have to~~  I have to go. I don't want you to follow me._ _~~You will anyway because that's what you do~~_ _I have to leave because I can't stay here anymore ~~and I wish I didn't feel that way but at the same time~~   ~~What you did fucking hurt a lot. Sometimes I think you're a piece of shit for it and sometimes I'm more grateful than you will ever know.~~ I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

_Please tell me what the fuck you did._

_~~This hurts me more that it hurts you.~~ <-cheesy, much? Don't fucking say that part_

 

_August 3 (maybe 4--it's late)_

_I'm shaking as I'm writing this but I have to get this energy out. Joel said no--said is an understatement. I'm fucking angry! I told him everything, pretty much. I told him that I've been thinking about it for a long time and that I'm fifteen now. It's all so fucked up._

_He thought I was joking at first, told me to quit playing, this isn't funny. When he figured out I was FUCKING SERIOUS he said I'm just a kid. "There's no way in hell" bullshit. He doesn't understand that he doesn't get to choose. "You're not my daughter and I sure as hell ain't your dad"--that's what he said to me half a year ago. I don't think we've ever thought that about each other, anyway. So I told him I'm not his, and that I can think for myself. I'd be smart, wouldn't talk to strangers. And then he said this: I am his in every way that counts. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I know he loves me. What does that mean, though?_

_And then I went through all the things in my head and tried to say them nicely, but it didn't go fucking anywhere, and maybe I wasn't nice at all. I told him I'm leaving in a few days. He said over his dead body._ _He's going to fucking make this hard._

_August 4_

_There's a few things I hadn't considered. Tommy, Maria, Andre. Do I say goodbye? Do I up and leave? Do I owe them more than that? And then there's the whole issue with a certain bearded guy who's rarely let me out of his sight the past few days._

_That's one problem that's not gonna resolve itself._

_August 5_

_Andre kissed me on the cheek when I told him I was leaving soon. I hugged him. I'll miss that guy. I also told him not to tell anybody._

_Another fucking talk with Joel. We're just repeating ourselves. I'm just gonna go ahead and say it wouldn't be unrealistic to assume it's hopeless. I don't want to have to sneak out. I really don't want to do that. I know I can make him see. See what? Fuck if I know._

_August 6_

_"Ellie, you know why this can never happen. I'm sorry, but there's no fucking way I'm letting you go out on your own, God knows where. This is bigger than you. Let it be." He's said the last part maybe twenty times._

_He wasn't honest. He chose, not me._

_August 10_

_I don't know what to do. It seems like--ah I don't even know._ _It's crazy that a year ago I was in Boston thinking there was no way I'd ever be anything or do anything that was worth something._

 

_August 16_

_I'm leaving tomorrow in the middle of the night I've decided and I'm scared shitless. I don't feel good about it, but I feel renewed. That's what I wish I could tell Joel._ _Joel woke me up in the middle of the night last night and we took a walk. The moon was out and it was warm, and would you believe that there were fireflies? The real kind._

_I looked over and fuck me if there weren't tears in his eyes. They didn't spill over, Joel just isn't the kind. I was speechless for a good ten seconds._

_It was almost like he knew this was it, but I don't think so. Sometimes I'm amazed at this guy. If I hadn't of looked over, I wouldn't even have known something was wrong. I started crying (a little bit). It was embarrassing at first, but it felt okay. I wanted to say "I'll miss you, you are my family" because I will and he is._

_Joel doesn't hug, he holds. He held me so tight I couldn't really breathe._

_I wanted to tell him, right then and right now: you're strong in all the ways I'm not._ _I also wanted to slap him._

_August 17_

_Dear Joel,_

_So I asked: "hey Tommy, how does one start a letter?" and he said that was it: Dear someone...it's a little formal but it's got a nice ring to it. Sorry this notebook is so ripped up. I sort of kept a journal in here, but I took the pages out._

_I'm sorry I have to go. I'll be careful. There's no other choice here, not for me. I don't know what else to tell you but I'm sorry and whatever happens has to happen. I can't keep going without this. I hope you understand._

_It sure has been a hell of a year, hasn't it? Promise me you'll be careful, too. Thank you, for everything that you've done for me._

  
_Ellie._

_P.S Endure and survive. See you soon, hopefully._

**Author's Note:**

> So there's this keynote lecture Neil Druckmann was cool enough to do at a conference in Toronto (IGDA). If you haven't seen it, you can just look up "Neil Druckmann lecture" on Youtube and I'm sure it's there. That's where he explains his take on the ending, and Ellie and Joel's respective character arcs, but there's a lot more stuff he talks about, including the origins of the story. If you're a fan of the creative aspect of the game, it's really fucking interesting.
> 
> After I watched it I more or less 100% agreed with his take on it, and it made sense to me. Anyway, just wanted to say that. Hope you guys enjoyed the read. If you haven't seen the keynote please do so for your own sakes!!!
> 
> On a side note, Ellie's fascination with Persephone's story was me trying to say that in a lot of ways, she identifies with her. I don't know if it came across that way or not, but I just thought I should mention it.


End file.
